Sad Thoughts

Small things pile on top of each other and I feel like I'm sinking back into the dark place. What's the worst about small things is they seem so petty and they don't justify the sadness. 

Recently, we got some live crabs, four of them, from an Asian market. Two were dead by the time we arrived at the house. I wanted to try to keep the other two alive. The more vibrant of the two died on the first night and I can't figure out why. I was able to keep the other, named Dorothy, for almost a week. I'm like 99% certain that she died just recently today. I had already bought containers and equipment that were scheduled to arrive later today.

It's less that Dorothy died and more that I took on the responsibility of her well-being and my negligence somehow caused her death. Was it there too little oxygen in her tank? The temperature? Ph levels? Some stray chemical that made its way in? Lack of nutrients since I could only feed her shrimp and fish and their main diet consists of mollusks? Or the salinity? Stress? Old age? Perhaps she could not handle the nitrification cycle? 

She's sitting on the bottom of the make-shift tank, unresponsive to any prodding, letting me shift her claws this way and that whereas just the other day she would lunge at full force. 

I think death is seeing that loss of vitality. When I see a dead crab, I'm not too bothered, but Dorothy... When she was just fighting to live a few hours ago. 

It brings back memories of seeing my dear harlequin rasboras twitch and panic in pain until they died while I rushed to do everything I could to keep them alive. Seeing their colorless bodies at the filter intake or float on a fouling, murky water. 

Fishkeeping is one of my passions and yet I failed here, and it resulted in the death of those I was responsible for and gave my heart to. 

Silly, right? They're just fish and crabs. But I think in some way I also make a subconscious mental connection to the legal field, which I aspire to enter. I think about how my actions would cause a traumatic loss of money, loss of justice, or loss of both for my clients. The people I wanted to help will end up worse off having entrusted me. It's difficult to have people depend on you and to not know if you can lead them to brighter days. 

On top of Dorothy's apparent passing, I received an email of those with high-enough GPAs to be accepted into the Law Review. I saw a person on the list that I was shocked to see. I remember when the professor called on him and asked him questions I could easily answer, so I wondered how he got on the list. I wondered what I was doing wrong and if I could ever correct it. 

Moments like these cause me to doubt all the theories and mindsets I've subscribed to till this point. Growth mindset and whatnot. Was it really talent, a natural affinity for a way of thinking, that sets them apart from me? That makes them capable of holding the responsibility of taking care of others? 

I know I lack discipline and a lot of other things. I wish there was a path I could take to get to where they are. I wonder if it exists. I'm scared because my parents have put so much money and time and emotional energy in supporting me in my academic and vocational career. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll let them down. 

I opened Photoshop and looked at a piece of art I'm working on. Even for just a moment, my heart lifted. Art comes naturally to me. I feel comfortable and happy around it. I often wonder if I'm forcing myself into something not meant for me. Realistically, am I just not trying hard enough?

School starts in less than two months. I've never been able to make friends easily. I'll be going back and I'll be alone again with these thoughts. I'm scared, anxious, and I feel like disappearing. Even when I'm doing something that I love and that I'm passionate about and work hard on, those who trust me to care for them end up dying. I'm sorry Dorothy and the Harlies.