Fleeting Pleasures and Longterm Satisfactions

I had just finished watching Pewdiepie's "My Workout Review" on Youtube. I really love what he said in here and it's inspiring me to try again.

I've always had trouble being healthy. When I was younger, my parents made sure that my brother and I were involved in some sport. They wanted us to be healthy because our family and they themselves struggle with health problems like diabetes and high blood pressure. We did tae kwon do and kung fu and swimming at one point. I always dreaded the lessons, but I think it was because (1) I didn't like being forced to do something, (2) exercise is hard and tiring, and (3) I was usually the only girl (I'll take about this in my masculinity and feminity post later). So even though I was healthy, I wasn't happy and I grew to despise physical activity. 

Around sophomore year of high school, my parents stopped forcing us to attend lessons. They could tell we were also trying to get out of it by not reminding them we had a lesson that day so my father forgot to drive us or we pretended to be injured or sick. They didn't want to waste money on it anymore. So they stopped and that's when my body image insecurities escalated.

I remember my first insecurities when I was young was about the width of my shoulders, the smallness of my head, and my eczema. Again, I'll take about this later in the masculinity and feminity post. But when I started to gain weight, my weight took the lead on my insecurity list. 

I remember the first picture where I was shocked by how I looked. My family and I were taking a trip to South Dakota where my brother would be attending college. We went to Mount Rushmore and took some pictures there. On the way, we stopped by some small shops and one had this large wooden man sitting on a stump. I sat on his lap and my father took a picture. When I checked to see how I looked, I was aghast at the girth of my arms and thighs and the definite bulge of my stomach. 

I remember thinking that fat meant you could see a clear bulge, and I was shocked to see myself that way because it didn't match with how I saw myself in my mind's eye up to that point. I had always been skinny and reasonably fit from martial arts. I never worried about how much I ate or what I ate. From this point forth, that's all I could think of. 

I had always hid my arms and legs because of my eczema by wearing long sleeves and pants but now I made sure to cover up because of my weight, too. It's been a thorn at my side from then till now. I tried to work out in college and maintained a schedule from a few days to a few months but never long term. I always kept some journal where I wrote my weight and my goal weight and tracked my progress. I may have lost a few pounds but it always goes up and down and I could never stick to it. Since then, I've kind of given up, hating my body and how I look. 

Watching Pewds brought a new way of looking at body and exercise. It's not really to lose weight or look good, but he saw body as an extension of the soul. If your body is healthy and happy, that extends to your soul too. And he said that he had an addiction of a sort with hard liquors and what got him to stop was realizing that these are temporary pleasures, so temporary that the second you acquire the taste you're looking for, the satisfaction is had and disappears. So to catch up with the fleeting satisfaction, you consume more, but in the end, you end up unsatisfied. 

I think that can extend pass eating habits to life in general. I'm an impulsive and stubborn person so when I want something, I want it right away. But now I realize I've been denying myself the satisfaction that I've been craving. True satisfaction stands the test of time. Dissatisfactions in the moment like being hard of breath when exercising or depriving oneself of highly fatty foods are investments for long-term satisfaction.

I want to try again, but focus on mindset and process instead of end goal. Let's see what happens.